growing hOMe

Whoa! Sacred Mirrors. October 25, 2010

So I am a little shaky. Weakness and fever are here to purify the body-mind. When I sit in class it is by far the worst, or when I start to sing, or chant….I feel 1000 degrees, an unbearable heat, it seems. Sometimes it feels endless here, when one is sick, I guess illness is just like that- you cant get out of it. No matter your ideas for practice, or life. Dis-ease is such an incredible teacher. This reminds me of the word “diagnosis” and its roots meaning to “name the deamons” so how do I diagnose, but naming the root deamon: such as desire, or greed, or attachment…can I boil it down that far? Or do I stop at virus, bacteria, even accident….I know it can be a hard one to swallow and in fact it is. But the truth of the matter is that I am seeing a pattern resurface at the beggining of my stay at the ashram. The body gets sick, really quite sick. Why? (note we can easily point to exposure to pathogens from india, toxic cleaners/detergents, change of season, spending loads of time in indoor spaces, food etc.) However, I just got done with a thoroughly intense season in backcountry and stayed incredibly healthy.

I am seeing it relates to sustenance. When I am here I am not providing and income for myself, and with debt, that essentially means I am causing myself to suffer economically while gaining wealth of spiritual knowledge. And then illness manifests as a way to show me where my desires for what it is I do not have (ie. personal realtionships, “security” in the form of income etc) are still running the unconscious mind, and therefor my health. I was grasping outsideness- frantic feelign of needing to make a correct decision after leaving here to insure my sustenance/livelihood.

There is an explict exhaustion in this illness I feel now, beyond my comprehension at times. And the spinal injury is making itself know also. This is no to complain of dis-ease, this is to root it out and bring it into collective consciousness: that our hidden, or not so hidden illnesses are rooted in truth. The truth of what it means to be free, and what it means to be liberated. Do I to a degree still feel bound to that which I do not have? Do I take action to get it? When I take action does it compromise my economic situation or dharma?

It has become clear that I have lived with a story of feeling un-supported for an incredibly long time. This isn’t a story I go around mouthing, but a deep feeling, like a lack of nurturance, a myth that I am the only one that can take care of me. When in truth, if I look closely I have absolutely always had what I needed, it may not have seemed ideal at the time, but it was my medicine. It was given by god, by the inherent need for freedom in me, and so life unfurled accordingly.

A battle is waging, against all thoughts that I choose not, but that seem to choose the course of my life.

Already, I am feeling a deep sense of coming home from that sea of desire and aversion we call life. I feel the truth in the idea that I am here to serve far more people then being concerned with growing a family of my own would account for. But I never say never. Its just a feelign I had.

Watched “darshan” the movie of amma touring the world. It was beautiful the lack of doubt and service in her. whoa these sacred mirrors….

what do I really want? love as freedom.
how do I get it? but negating all the love that echos attachment.

XO