Growing Home

Circular breath

tingling breasts

expansion of lungs and release.

 

Seeing that every minute healing we embark upon is a quantum leap for humanity. If we are not healing, then we are not healing. We will not heal. As a people, as a race as a planet, we will not heal.

we could fail. Or we could strive to stay. staying need not be accomplished. staying is not an action. it is a being. with all that is.

If we stay long enough, strive just hard enough we will taste and sense the eternal grace. the thousands of tiny little fingers supporting our every move. everywhere we previously turned for gratification, we find ourselves satsiated to the core. the lightness of being and in all that we’ve been and all we are bound to live out.

Namah. Namama. Its just not mine, it never was. When I see that I am not responsible for the ugliness or the beauty of anything I tap into the reality that upholds it all.

I see that every moment, in awareness, is infused with the ever accomodating quality of space. we are being healed, penetrated to our depths at every second. all that we desire we already are. we are free.

if we stay, we will unvariably see what is routinely missed. a life of the ever-changeful actually blesses us. it highlights with such divine perfection the changeless beingness.

When I let the trying dissipate and stretch far enough to imagine I am that. That which is the blessing, the blesser and the blessed…I am that one aliveness that is existence. And I am whole. and when I know that every cell in my body drinks the quantum healing of the cosmos and I awaken a little more, forever.

Like reverb in a canyon I am hit from various angles with the deepest calling of my soul.

I hear mostly broken sentences, sometimes pages, of remebering.

Her voice is delicate at times and thunderous at others.

Most offen polarised to my egoic mood. Thank god.

She keeps me listening amongst all humm of conversation, above the music, beyond my sight, through to the distant rumble. of my remebrance.

There is a tangible shaking, just as the earth quakes. But no one notices. Alone in a dream.

I don’t mind if I seem dull or uninpressed. Truth is I am utterly immersed in what you don’t see while your speaking to me. Completely fulfilled at one level. in Truth.

Alone in a dream on the surface. still gravitating towards sensuality as the daughter in me opens her self one lotus petal at a time.

why is it that he still has such power over me? I watch the buzz of sexuality, our very basic human potential running the course of humanity. How to integrate our loaded cognitions of love with reality. (by reality I mean to point towards the oneness we cannot label as “reality”, which is to be clearly seen as an impermanent appearence with the slightest inquiry.)

resounding echos of a life grown for the liberation one soul. one soul. one. one .  one.    one. om.  om.  om.  om.

om.

our language is begging to be understood.

as we have become accostomed to spend more time talking then contemplating the meaning of the words themselves, and in such an equation we have robbed ourselves of all the beauty of liguistics (beckoning us to the truth of being).

and still more… our words only affirm our attachment to the world. we see thoughout our day, naming all that our 5 senses touch. naming every form, and emotion. naming and moving on, to the next name and form. we glaze over the gushing of god pouring forth from the moment, the feeling that rises within to touch the experience.

we go on missing out, infintely.

I walk in the woods, snaggs on the trail of my skirt leave me smiling. unhooking from bramble at intervals and loving the slowness a skirt invokes. not to mention the ease of bleeding on the earth and the draft of mother nature into me.

just moments these are floating to the surface of the substance of self.

sweet and humble. humble like the heart of country folk. not cultivated humbleness with an underlying tone of manipulation.

possibilites: I leave my front door to get into my car. I assume I am going to get in my car and drive to work. but anything could happen. I may slip and break an ankle, or meet another drivers incompetence. and I go on assuming this possibility of driving to work to be reality. and so it is with every moment. impermanent and loaded with possibility.

So what then is reality? if every moment of my life, as it appears, is strictly a possibility in the metaphysical mirror of the cosmos? What is Reality?

Here inlies the begining of a real inquiry into the nature of myself, god and the nature of the universe. As one.

Freedom.

Seeing with my own eyes, not through the eyes of others or expectations of others.

Hearing with my own sense of hearing, fresh, unincumbered, aliveness meeting sound upon silence.

Being. Completely unrelated and unattached, in truth, to all that appears to be my life.

Freedom.

In everycell. Awakening to the complete nuturing fullness of the present moment, imbued with all the power that ever was and ever will be.

Freedom.

From the teachings of freedom. From the rituals in honor of freedom. From my own inner workings.

And it takes a complete Inner rebellion. Conjuring up all that is known and rejecting it. All that is unknown, and rejecting it as merely a category and liguistical existence within the mind.

Desires arise and fall. And they are of no hindrance, as I am not that desire, or even the judgement of that desire.

I am. Presently free from agenda. Loving the people in my life without agenda and setting my own heart, mind and body free from the bondage of desire and fear.

Love is the most potent medicine on earth and everyone is looking for a complicated combination of herbs.

I adore and praise the plant world, and yet we all derive our substance from the same one source. Our foods food is love manifest as the five elements and we can wake up to the evolution of the human by going directly to source.

 

So we keep our instruments tuned and focused:  liberation alone liberates.  And if that is our vision, so be it.

patience. the vision of the giver, the given, the recieved and reciever as one will come. freedom from suffering will arrive un-invited. pain happens, suffering is created.

And our hearts will be weightless again, free to roam our vast self.

Before they get wiped from the whiteboard, thought I would share.

I have read this numbered precepts in the past, but I can understand them now. Ripeness is a virtue.

May they arrive to you, whether known or unknown, as fresh words of contemplation.

More and more I see how our attchment to previous notions draws blood from the present. We can choose to always ask ourselves, is this true for me now?????

4 establishments of mindfulness for practioner of the pathtowards liberation:

1)body 2)feelings 3)mind 4)objects of the mind.

5 hindrances to meditation:

1)sense desire 2)ill-will 3) drowsiness 4)agitation 5)doubt

7 Factors of Awakwening:

1) full attention 2) investigating dharmas 3)energy 4)joy 5)ease 6)concentration 7)letting go.

4 Noble Truths

1) existence of suffering 2) causes of suffering 3)liberation from suffering 4) the path that leads to liberation from suffering

The more I cross reference the teachings and life of the buddha with advita vedanta, the more I become assured the teaching is the same. It is the religion, or philosophy that succeeds the origial teachings that clouds the truth of the message. The rituals and adaptations can be valuable based on the conditions we come from, but from what i can tell, we may be able to avoid lifetimes of confusion and spiritual distress by going directly to the source. the teaching that proclaims the truth is not to be sought, that it is the Self (efulgent happiness without a reason). So the meditation is on the meditator. The concentration to be focused on the act of concentrating itself. “don’t ask how, just do it!” -one great mahatma.

Oh, language.

Somehow this word “practice”, as in “daily practice”, has become overused and simultaneously resisted. Spiritual babes that we are, we look for cop-outs everywhere it seems. Sometimes I get nauseous from the incongruencies. In my self and in the world. Especially in myself, in the world.

But I thought “what a great business card.” “Practioner.” on front, contact on back. A little along the lines of existential detective, but truthful.

When I talk of my practice I so wish it to be full-bodied and succulent with the grace of god. So that others might know that this path that leads to liberation is richer than the richest. And full of incedible gripping challenge, never boring as it seems people tend to imagine. But we were raised by distraction and find 1 minute of utter selflessness difficult. always looking for a flashy idea, film, book, song, food, partner to fill the percieved boredom. Life throbs on.

He asked ” So what would you do for fun if you had money, the weekend off and a late morning on monday?”

Grace help me to just remain in my practice. watching my breathe, my posture, my cravings, my aggitaion, my love, my thoughts, my body, my distractions, my self-intolerance, my pain, my joy…. and reamin in that awareness until every moment is simply awareness. of the moment in all its variety.

As if money or days of the week mattered? I could die tonight, truth be told, we never know. So wake up, wake-up I call to my Self masked by a veil of thoughts of the world and ways to change an every changing flow…I need not.  Namah.

Yes, having difficulty finding balance in communication. Wanting to badly to just give, feeling so clear to not get involved in samsara over my head. Because my heart and well-being guide me to never jump aboard a sinking ship.

And we are drowning. AH. seeing that helps to acknowledge my helplessness and seek help from someone who doesn’t need help, who isn’t drowning. and that one is god-consciousness. and only by letting go of my desires can I merge as the one eternal fullness that Iam.

Waking up periodically throughout the day to the fact that this life is dream, I take the moment to read the signs and symbols objectively.

It goes like this. I am walking with Nisha, she has fallen asleep heavy-headed on my chest. I breath into the tight strap of the “baby harness” and utilize it to expand my lower lung cavity. I see myself walking and smell the complexity of smells that drift past and touch me. I watch my breath going in and out , and , I am walking. And suddenly I am in a dreamscape. Crows circle and water trickles somwhere. I look at my day as a dream.

Woke up to a snow covered feild. Felt no anxiety and pulled the car through the snow with a spare tire. The Man at the Tire shop spoke loudly and spun in circles answering calls and yelling to mechanics. He ran everytime he changed location. As he sold me four new tires, I became aware that he had milatry training.

In and out in 15 minutes? Is that possible? Ah well. Dreams are like that. Car driving smoothly. No longer wobling.

So I look up tires in a dream dictionary: Flat tires: depression, helplessness, will we be able to arrive at our hoped-for destination? Tires indicate dwelling too much in the past. And indeed I was in one of those dire moments when I got the flat, just waiting essentially…to get home, to take refuge.

I had been part of an estatic dance class where we circled at the begining and end and I have been feeling ever-so unexcited and disillusioned with circles. strange i know, but true and grounded in knowledge. It is as if sitting in these “we want to feel connected” circles just affirms our separation and lack of unity. Watch the children….they tend to want to get right to it. Let us gather with purpose and not draw out the experience for the sake of wanting more.

Let us not be cyclical in our needs, like worn out tires.

“I lost my prayer and I don’t know where to begin looking.”

Echoing in my ears from last year, last night.

I reached in my bag and pulled it out, like a rabbit out of a hat.

But then again it is daytime and the rabbit rules here.

Time to sew the visions of words scripted. Fertilitiy is on the rise.

A new tide of awakening is prophosized.

Remembered everytime I sit long enough to hear the silent,

spaciousness I am.

Happiness without a reason dear friend.

You need not fight the current to be alive, as if for the first time.

Gasping for that first breath, fresh from the tomb of last years life.

An identity imbued with strife. No more.

This Year is right now.

This life is right now.

The very existence (not to mention quality) of thought,

in fact is a prayer.

That “I” grasp an innocent thought, like a cloud through the sky…

is to be watched closely.

It fortells with incredible accuracy the next moment.

Chances are I may grasp the next thought too, claiming it as mine.

And begin again the moment by moment confirmation that I am my body, who had my thought.

Wrong. Drop-it ,I  tell myself.

And the knots in my heart come undone as easily as a kite to the wind.

Any Resolutions? Notebooks, GALAXIES full of them. Forgiveness. Freshness. Friendship.

om.

Floodwaters of Saraswati.

Om Sri Guru Bhyo Namah.

Om Sri Kalyai Namah.

Om Sri Durgyai Namah.

Woke up remembering. That my incarnation is a artistic movement through space/time to heal myself, which heals all through dependent co-arising. Woke up remembering that I am. All that I search and look to embody, I am. As I am that source. Unborn, undying eternal love. Reflected through the stories of Maya Tiwari I can so readily identify the grace of Divine Mother in my life. Creating through my hands as child, art as passion of my exsistence.  I see the limitations of mind I have been striving to breakthrough. I see where my fear of stepping into the shoes of Divine Mother seem so big to fill. But what to hesitate for when I am that fullness of the Universe. Anything that could possibly happen as result  of my choices is Given regardless. All orchestrated from deep within, I tap the wellspring and bathe in the comfort of nutrience itself. No longer looking outside for any bit of self. Though seeing the value in sharing sadhana with others and the joy of knowing their hearts through my own.

Prophecies of my life echoing in the hollows of my mind. Only to be heard within silence. Only to be understood in stillness. Seeing Laksmi work her magic in seeing that I not forget and even leap, as the manduka, towards fulfilling my human existence. All the while knowing the dream for a dream and returning home. Om.   To my self as happiness, fullness without reason.

Seeing my writing create new pathways for sustienence. Seeing how dedication and focus serve to the highest. And how my involvement with soulfood, if I allow myself to truly give it my heart and energy can blossom into a higher (more complete) manifestation of a healing center with food, breathe, sounds and sacred texts. Really the path is paved and I just need approach each day in the work as a oppurtunity to live out this life to the fullest. To offer the community a taste of divine nuturence. Instead of directing that energy toward specific persons, which negates unconditional love, by being exclusive, I can choose to shine on everyone. I can choose to lift the veil.

As though, it is my secret, to unveil.

See possibility if excersing my art and healing through crafting for the healing center. The clothing is a huge piece I beleive, as well as the grown food. Website with brother and so forth. infinite. no need to limit. independence through self-reliance, the world being what it is. I have plenty of time to take sanyasa. Today I abstain from shaving my head, as an offering to the divine mother and shine on….

me, a name I call myself.

I remeber hearing this name, medicine dreamer, long ago, maybe four years now.

Now is here and silently asking for my heart. My heart is silently saying “one minute”.

This somtimes happens. But when I just connect, connect to that by which all else is as well known, I arrive in my heart, alive to the moment. Ready to dispense Medicine. And then when I become concerned with the need of the future, or the story of the past (in the form of unconscious patterns of thought), I neglect the heart.

It is as it is with god. either I am focused on the end (a projection of my mind in space/time) or I am focused on the glory of god as manifest in this moment….

loving what is, right discipline towards purity of heart/mind. Seeing myself as I am. Aliveness throbing. Consciouness pervading. unlimited in my ability to accept the limited.

And I see how this name, Medicine Dreamer, helps me to understand my purpose in this incarnation. As this life is a dream to which we have not yet awakened to. We can say we are awake, but only we really know. Do we have fear? Insecurity? Irritation…ever? Would we have fear of something that happened in a nighttime dream? I think not. We recognize it as a dream and return to bed, rest assured.

So why is it so hard (and so hard to tell others) to fear not, remain unaffected, realize this is just a dream and wake up? Because we have grasped so tightly to this world of appearances as real.  It is our waking dream. I am. All else is impermanent.

So when I act in the dream of life, I am dreaming for humanity. Which is to say I am living for humanity, if this life and dream are identical. Medicine dreamer…what do I dream/live? Medicine.

What is Medicine? a dose of equanimity? a preparation? truth?

yes, truth. medicine is truth. the truth of what we are. which we can only be, but we cannot know (cannot grasp with the mind). Medicine uses multitudinous forms to point us to the truth.

the truth cannot be spoken. which means all in life that can be accounted for by language is indeed not the truth, not the purpose. It can serve truth, my aliveness, but it cannot be ultimate reality. Nor would I want ultimate reality to fit within the limitations of my ignorance.